FML

I have spent another weekend so depressed and alone to the point I get nauseated and my stomach hurts.

Thus why my journal has been so bland anymore. Sorry anyone who reads it. Idk, hopefully shit will change for the better really soon.

1. unimportant, trifling, or petty: Omit the insignificant details.
2. too small to be important: an insignificant sum.
3. of no consequence, influence, or distinction: a minor, insignificant bureaucrat.
4. without weight of character; contemptible: an insignificant fellow.
5. without meaning; meaningless: insignificant sounds.
6. a word, thing, or person without significance.

Apparently this is what I am to some people that I consider significant. I had a long talk today with a friend about my thoughts and feelings of this, and to her sadness all she could offer was more proof that I was indeed insigificant to the mentioned persons. It's sad really, that I could hold people in such high regard and shit we do doesn't really matter. It's pathetic that I consider things important only to find out that I'm the only one that feels that way.

I realize now what a tool I've made myself look like by caring when others don't. Everyone mentioned reads this journal. I hope you feel like a tool for not caring when I thought otherwise.

Also, I wish Tashi would come back! I miss her and I leave for Scotland soon. Her absence makes me sad.

I would wonder what it's like when people you considered friends, the ones you know you think you can talk to and will support you til the end, turn their backs on you. I'd wonder, except I apparently don't have to.

Pretty emo, huh? It's no wonder I have depression, seriously.

Thanks for the good times I guess. That's what it's all about after all, isn't it? Just the good stuff.

Earlier today I discovered I might be hospitalized. My parents are worried about me and how sick I've been. It's probably a surprise to anyone who only interacts with me online though. I don't like people worrying over me so I have a tendancy to not talk about things like my health.

Then again, my general temperment has been off lately even online. Not as calm and a bit more mean. I've also hit woah levels of paranoia and anxiety, which have probably been noticeable, if not annoying, to those close to me.

And there is no denying I have lost 12 lbs in just the last 6 days. Not that I mind that! XD Even if it's unhealthy.

I guess yesterday and today have been worse though. I've mostly slept today. I'd get up, find no need to stay up, and go back to sleep. Aka, Michi never logged on!

I'm full of fail and I don't even know how to talk about it.

I hate this feeling. Emptiness. A complete lack of feeling and emotion. It's a defense mechanism that I don't know how to disassemble. I want to talk though. I want to feel something. Yet I feel wrong about feeling. I feel wrong talking about my pain. Meh. I can bitch about small annoyances all day, but I feel almost as if I have to hide things like sorrow.

Is it really strength? Or is it weak?

Or is it that somehow it has been ingrained in me to displace my own emotions?

I'm even having tremendous trouble writing this. I know no one really cares about it. People don't really want to hear my problems, my pain. I suppose in a way that sentiment is wrong. The are people that want to hear, even want to help. Somehow it's always only people who can't do a damn thing about it either. At this point I realize, it's pointless to go into detail of pain to someone who can do nothing more than stare and listen. It changes nothing. It solves nothing. It doesn't make me feel any better.

But I guess it's good to know some people care, even if they can't help.

Welp, I've sat on this post for 3 hours and don't really know what else I can/should say.

Oh, and Michelle? I'm totally sorry for my epic failure yesterday. I feel kind of like an idiot for it, lol. Not knowing my place. Being human sucks sometimes.

WARNING: gahh emo post.. sorry..

i'm miserable though.. I can't sleep right yet all i can do is sleep cuz the panic attacks and depression are overwhelming. i feel SOO fucking pathetic. You'd think I was like dumped or something. michelle logged off angry or upset with me yesterday, and and.. i'm crused that i upset her so.

really i should have listened to alex... i should have just never spoke... i was only feeling anxiety before that even if it'd go between high and low, but i know better than to tell people things that go through my mind. i was taught to smile and never show anyone that you know how to suffer. i do it SO damn well too. i'm that person that can watch an execution of a family member and not cry.. or even frown. I'm not allowed to frown. Yet I naturally always wear a frown even when happy. So what is wrong with me now? Why did I even feel compelled to talk about it? I kept saying my anxiety was rediculous... and it turns out it wasn't. So now I keep getting sick to my stomach. It's stupid. Michelle doesn't hate me.. I didn't do anything wrong. She's just having a shitty real life and my topic was bad timing. I know this.. I'm sure of this. Yet.. why am I close to tears for upsetting her?

And why do I feel like it's ooc if sasuke does nothing? I don't want her to drop naruto over it.. i love both of her chars even if mine is too tempermental.. tehn again i'm highly tempermental, just i deal with it different than my char.

on a different note, i'm still pondering dropping shika.. i'd LOVE to drop tsu.. but she's too needed.. rightnowiwanttodropsasukecuzheisjustproblems however i won't.